The Rabbits of Tilsit

Lyrics

[Intro]
(a military fanfare, immaculate — then a rustling that will not stop)
Eighteen oh seven. He has just beaten Russia. He wants a nice afternoon.

[Verse 1]
The Treaty of Tilsit is signed and the Emperor is pleased,
and Berthier, his chief of staff, arranges a rabbit hunt,
and buys — this is the error, this is where it all goes wrong —
he buys the rabbits. Hundreds. From farmers. Domesticated ones.
And a domesticated rabbit does not know it is prey.
A domesticated rabbit knows that men with baskets bring the food.

[Chorus]
So they opened the cages and the rabbits looked up
and they saw the man in the hat and they knew what that meant,
and they came. All of them. At once. Straight at Napoleon.
Not away, not scattering — TOWARD, in a wave, at speed!
The rabbits of Tilsit! Hundreds of them! Delighted!
And the master of Europe legged it to his carriage!

[Verse 2]
He tried to bat them off. The staff tried to bat them off.
They were beaten back with riding crops and did not care at all,
because they were not attacking, that's the thing, they were CONFIDENT,
they were arriving for their dinner in the reasonable expectation
that these were the men who feed them, which, historically, they were.
The most feared army on earth fell back before the lunch rush.

[Chorus]

[Bridge]
And he had to sit in the carriage. He had to sit in it.
And they swarmed the wheels, and some of them went up the sides,
and the coachman had to drive away from a field full of rabbits
while the man who would shortly invade Russia looked out of a window
at the total, comprehensive failure of a nice afternoon.
Nobody was hurt. That is somehow worse. Nobody was hurt at all.

[Chorus]

[Outro]
(the fanfare tries again and gives up)
It's in the memoirs.
It's in the memoirs because it happened.